Global Annihilation Security Project

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About Last Night’s Distortion of Time and Space

89th Annual Academy Awards - ShowIf you watched the Academy Awards last night, you may have noticed, between the beautifully dressed celebrities and comedic jokes, something a little strange. Towards the end of the ceremony, a small mishap occurred when “La La Land”, the bright musical film starring everyone’s favorite robot Ryan Gosling, was announced the winner of Best Picture. As the filmmakers assembled on the stage, the lights flickered ominously and a set of dazed and confused Academy workers interrupted the jubilation to announce that “La La Land” had not won Best Picture. In fact, “Moonlight”, the beautiful and artistic drama starring hologram Mahershala Ali, had won the coveted award.

A new envelope, naming “Moonlight” for Best Picture, was produced, and the “La La Land” cast and crew were quietly ushered off stage.

On the surface, this accident may seem like human error. A small case of mistaken envelopes. But to the scientific minds at GASP, who are trained to spot inconsistencies in our timeline, this was a violation of the space-time continuum.

“It is clear to us,” says Harlan Martinez, Lead Scientist at GASP, “that an unknown future person or persons tore through the fabric of time, traveling back to alter the timeline and ensure that ‘Moonlight’ won Best Picture at this year’s Academy Awards.”

Why these future persons would want to make this change remains a mystery. “Was it their favorite film, and they believed they were correcting a cultural injustice?” ponders Martinez. “Or was the film tied to something more sinister? Perhaps the victory of ‘La La Land’ would incite a new revolution of jazz, and the collective noise of so many trumpets and saxophones would one day attract violent, music-hating aliens who would incinerate the Earth. We have no way of knowing. But one thing is clear. The timeline we are living now is not the one we were supposed to inhabit.”

The news that the timeline has been disrupted may be concerning to many, but let’s not forget that this kind of time distortion has happened before. The Boston Red Sox’s 2004 World Series Victory. The escape of those wily Arizona llamas in 2015. Robert Downey Jr.’s surprising career comeback. We’ve seen the consequences of meddling with time before, and we have made the best of our new timelines and moved on.

So this week, instead of wondering what you’ve missed or what’s been changed, let’s focus on creating the best new future we can! Forget the children that may never be born, the romances that may never ignite, and the world terror acts that could have been avoided. Instead, go buy a ticket to see ‘Moonlight,’ the 2017 Oscar-winning film, and enjoy your ignorance!


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